"And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope."
Romans 5:3-4
So the last few days I've had some issues. I've really been stressing over some stuff, and actually none of it has had to do with my schoolwork, which is a miracle. Schoolwork actually couldn't be any better, I think. What's had me stressed is just life in general. I have stuff back home that I'm worried about and that I'm trying to keep alive. I miss my family a lot. I miss my friends a lot. I miss my hometown a lot. I have come to realize since coming up here to Athens how great of a town my little town is. It's a time warp, my hometown. It's a place where I can leave my truck in the grocery store parking lot with my iPod sitting in the front seat and leave my door unlocked- sometimes with the keys still in the ignition. It's a place where I can't go anywhere without seeing somebody I know and usually stopping to chat with them for a minute or two. It's a place where I took for granted that people understood the grace of Christ and made their decision based on that as to whether or not to accept him.
I've come up here and realize that none of that holds true. I wouldn't dare leave my truck unlocked anywhere in Athens. I'm lucky to see a familiar face in a dining hall, which is actually the most likely place to run into anybody familiar. We all have to eat, after all. Above all of that though, is the fact that people up here honestly don't understand what Christianity is really all about. I'm not religious. I have a relationship with God the father. I call him Dad on a regular basis, mostly because that's the way He treats me. We fuss (He always wins), I realize that I was dumb for fussing with Him, He teaches me what I did wrong, forgives me for it, and then helps me move on. Occasionally, just like any good dad does to a son, He takes me out behind the woodshed and tears my proverbial tail up with a paddle. I like to think I learn from the discipline, but like any actual real-life son, it often has to be repeated... over, and over, and over, ad nauseum. Every once in a while though, stuff starts to take an emotional toll. And also, just like any good Dad does to a son every once in a while, He backs up and lets the son fight a battle. He never leaves, but just observes, prepared to step in if the son just can't handle it.
That's kind of where I am right now. I really want to see certain people back home. Really bad. They're a huge part of my life, whether or not they know it. Pretty sure they do though. There are people that think they can relate to me on a level that they just can't. People try and build bonds of friendship that they consider the deepest bond of friendship, and I'll go to a certain point with them, but friendship on the level that I like can only be achieved through both people bonding in Christ. Every single trouble that I'm dealing with is relational, basically. Let me outline where I am with that.
My absolute, topmost important relationship is the one between Christ and myself. If you want top importance, sorry. It doesn't work that way. That position is not mine to give, and if I had the ability to change that I wouldn't anyway. You're just out of luck if that's what you want from me. Second, if you're a girl and I haven't specifically told you I'm interested in you and only you, give up. I consider that a sacred thing and only step out far enough to say something when I've prayed a ridiculous amount. If you have to ask yourself if I feel that way about you, I don't. You know if I do. That's not to say I don't value you as a friend or, even better, a friend in Christ. Most of my closest friends are girls that, in Christ, I love absolutely to death. I'd do anything for them. I love hanging out with them, laughing with them, crying with them, whatever. I just don't like it when a friend gets mixed impressions. It makes things really complicated and emotionally straining for everyone involved. That part of my life is only spoken for when God tells me to speak for it.
Basically every strain that I'm under right now is an attack on one of those two areas that are very dear to my heart. And just to go ahead and say it, an attack on either of those areas makes me hurt, or in the case of the second area, extremely fuming mad. The first area I tend to get more hurt than angry about because people haven't actually attacked me per se for my faith. It's just that I see so much pain and sin that completely ignores God and it seems like my words don't do much. I can plead and plead for people to understand the grace and love of Christ and it hasn't had much fruit yet. I understand though, that it's not my job to save- only to spread the word. God changes hearts. Not Josh.
But oh man, does the second area get me riled up. I am a reserved man. I belong to the King of Kings. The relationship between me and my future wife is a sacred thing. Whether or not I know who she is now is besides the point. The point is that only God has the right to act in that area of my life. No one else. I don't like being mad- I really don't. Mainly because when I get mad, I tend to go overboard. I lose control of my temper and people get emotionally hurt, usually me. I'm not condoning that about me. I hate it with every fiber of my soul and God is working in me daily to kill that evil part of myself, usually at the expense of pain and guilt on my part until I can forgive myself for something stupid that I've said or done.
I guess take this next paragraph as a big yellow caution sign tacked on to Josh's heart: It says reserved. No trespassing. Christ resides there. The human-relationship part of it is reserved, set aside, not on the market, say of it what you will.
A wise man once said to me that when we pray a lot of the time we ask God to take the weights that we're carrying off of our backs. Instead of doing that, we should ask God to make our backs stronger so that we can hold them. That's what I'm praying for God to do to me tonight. I need my Dad to restrain and kill the human anger part of myself and make me more merciful and understanding. By my own admission, right now I'm carnal and occasionally the flesh takes hold of my actions and I say and do things I regret when people make me angry. I don't necessarily want Him to remove the situations from me, because He's given them to me and He has a purpose and a plan. I don't know what it is, but He has one. I have no doubt of that whatsoever. He's proven to me that things work out over and over. I don't want to be dumb enough to test Him again. I need Him to help me bear up under these things and know how to deal with them.
If Jesus is a crutch that's just there to help me get through life, as some cynics have told me before, break my other leg and give me a double portion. I'm not strong enough to handle life. I'm weak and my righteousness is like filthy rags. God forgives that filth though, and gives a righteousness that no one deserves to anyone who believes. I need SO much of that grace right now. He said it was sufficient.
And I believe Him. I have hope.
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