Let me tell all of you guys a secret. I had forgotten how good grace tasted.
I'm sitting here listening to Hillsong. There are two bands that I listen to that connect with me on a deeper level than others, and those two bands are Hillsong and Lifehouse. Hillsong plays a song called “Devotion.” The first time I ever heard that song I cried. Sometimes I still do, because it's my life in a song, or at least what I hope for my life to be. I understand what they mean when they talk about running, trying to be one who sees. Some things have struck me differently this listen though. One section of the lyric says that there is nothing better than being redeemed.
How obvious is that? As Christians, we spend day after day, Gathering after Gathering (for my fellow BCMers), Sunday after Sunday, singing about all the wonders of the grace of Jesus. We love to talk about everything He's done for us, but I've been doing something shameful as of late. I've been looking for more when there ISN'T anything better than being redeemed. For two semesters I've been unable to fully submit myself to Jesus and His will for my life because I've been too busy worrying about my will for my life. I've been spending so much time hoping for something, praying for something, something that I believe is a Godly desire in and of itself, that I've lost sight of what God may actually want me to do, the life God may actually want me to live. A Godly desire has become a god. C.S. Lewis put it best: “Love, having become a god, becomes a demon.” There's a reason that quote is on my Facebook main page. It was supposed to stay there as a reminder. I guess it failed.
And He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in weakness." Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in the infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
I had forgotten how sufficient grace really was. Grace isn't supposed to give you the answer to a problem or a need. Grace is supposed to BE the answer to a problem or need. Jesus is enough. I'll be brutally transparent here for a second. I'm terrified of being alone. I don't really mind saying that, actually. Anyone who pays close enough attention to me for long enough will see it. I grew up with two parents, neither of which was my dad. I lived with my mom and grandmother. My grandmother recently died, which has left a huge gap in my life at home. It hasn't really even totally hit me yet that she's gone, but I know when I go home, I'll be one person closer to being alone. I'm constantly afraid for my mom's health. I worry about that constantly. And then there's the matter of dating/a relationship. I'm terrified of not being able to be the Godly man that I want to be for whatever woman will be my future wife. It's a legitimate need of mine not to feel alone. Why am I not ashamed to say this? Because I think everyone is afraid of being alone.
Paul said he took pleasure in a lot of things, and one of those things is need. That seems almost inhuman, doesn't it? A need should not be pleasurable. Go long enough without a need and you hurt. That's why it's a need. The lack of some needs lead to the inability to function psychologically or socially, and the lack of some needs can lead to death. I've come to the conclusion that Paul didn't take pleasure in the need itself. He took pleasure in the solution, which was the grace of Jesus. If that grace can take away the pain of a need, then it stands to reason that that grace is what we needed in the first place. A need only stops hurting when it's fulfilled, right? Paul teaches us that the weaker we are, the more infirmities we have, the more we get to rely on Christ to strengthen us through that. Every weakness is an opportunity for that grace to show up in our lives. Every need is a chance for us to be satisfied with the glory and mercy of God Himself. A very good friend of mine told me something one time that changed the way I pray. He told me that maybe we shouldn't pray for God to relieve us of our burdens; maybe we should pray for God to give us backs strong enough to carry them. That's grace.
There happens to be another section of the lyrics to "Devotion" that says a lot to me, too. Eventually the song gets to the point where this phrase is repeated over and over: “I will take up my cross and follow, Lord where You lead me. I will take up my cross and follow, wherever You go.”
It fascinates me that these words are repeated so often. I mean, the song repeats them over and over. I'll tell you the way that connects with me. I have to say those words over and over again because I keep dropping my cross. Let me explain.
Ask anyone who has ever been crucified; crosses are heavy. Jesus collapsed while carrying His cross to Golgotha and the Romans made another man carry it for Him. If taking up my cross means living my life according to the desires of God, then everything that I desire other than that (the desire for a relationship, for example) is excess weight. I can't carry both my excess burden and my cross. One of three things will end up dropping. If I let the grace of Christ work in my life, then I won't want to carry anything other than that cross. That is the best situation, living by the spirit instead of by the flesh. If I seek the Kingdom of God first, then God knows the desires of my heart and has promised to take care of that (Matthew 6:33-34). Unfortunately that's not what happens the most. Being a selfish human, more often the cross ends up getting dropped by the wayside and I try and carry the things I want. That only leads to misery and pain. With the Holy Spirit indwelling me, carrying that Cross and dying to myself is a need, not just a want. Without doing that, my spirit will be in pain. The third thing that could end up dropping is me completely. Jesus said that no man can serve two masters. If I carry my cross, I carry it exclusively. If I carry my own desires, there''s no way I can adequately carry the cross. Eventually my back will end up breaking if I try to carry both and then I won't be able to carry anything. I'll end up on the side of the road wondering why I'm paralyzed.
Maybe with these last three weeks left in the semester I can actually start living by grace instead of letting my own little plans control me. I'm sick of being in chains of my own making (and judging by my outlook on life for the past week or so, I'm a pretty good blacksmith). I'm sick of not trusting Jesus completely with my future. I'm sick of desperately believing that every plan I make has to succeed or it means I'm a failure. I'm ready to live in submission to God's plan. I'm ready to let His grace be sufficient.
I'm ready to remember that there is
nothing better than being redeemed.
Comments (1)
hey, ya i was just browsing and found ur page. =]
about this post: wow! i cant even begin to explain how right on the dot you have just explained my life and relationship with God at the moment. I have had this feeling deep inside of me for some time now. So deep it feels like i could never get rid of it. A feeling of emptiness. I should probably be writing this in a blog, i think i will definitely get to this in a post later on. its good to know that im not the only one who feels this way at times.
-amanda